Posted by: Alice Inc. | November 9, 2009

A New Career Path

Simply Hired, an online career wiki-resource (much like Indeed) offers explanations, openings, and average salaries of jobs posted by people who a) want to bitch about how much money they make, b) want to brag about how much money they make, ¬†or, apparently, c) wish to inform the expectations of future generations of trophy wives. It provides the intoxicating opportunity to “research potential careers” while getting your fix of wikipedia-like random, frenzied clicking. (You know the wiki-click syndrome –10 pm: I’m going to look up China’s population, 2 am: the Naval Act of 1974 is total bullshit.)

After I tucked in my vagina and pricemarked my soul to interview at my first ever big corporation, I went online to find out how much green I should expect in return for my individuality. I fought the urge to perform a ritualistic self sacrifice every time someone ended a sentence with a wink, a white-strip gleaming grin, a catch phrase, and a pair of smokin’ pistol-hands. Nothing turns you into a raging commy-sympathizing feminist quite like a corporate interview-day, and I just wanted Simply Hired to tell me that I’d earned something more than a few dozen business cards. Tell me, salary forecaster, that by the time I hit my mid-life crisis at 29, I’ll have made enough money to buy the american-made mid-sized sedan of my dreams.

Much to my dismay, a frenzied wiki-click session informed me that I’ve been barking up the wrong corporate ladder.

I began with my usual search:

entry level journalist: a graph of a black diamond ski slope and a measly (and overestimated) 30,000

position at corpo company: journalism x 2

click click boxer click click radio personality click click

To Sit and Look Pretty: $72000

What? What what? I’ve been so misinformed! Cornell’s career services totally left this out of the “Careers for Liberal Art Majors” handout. (Yes, all the potential jobs of LA majors fit onto a one-sided sheet of printer paper.) It seems this position has only two requirements:

Fail on Both Fronts

1) Sitting, perhaps for extensive periods of time: check. Some days it gets difficult, but I always resist the urge for mobility. I’ll have to tweak my resume to include what skills from my “lounging” experience could make me a more productive sitter.

2) Looking pretty. This is where I’ve been misguided. All that money spent on a bachelor’s degree could have easily been put towards furthering my qualifications in this department. Who cares about Psychology and studying the Koran!? I need a lifetime supply of self-tanner!

But, as with all career paths, the professional sitter-and-looker-of-pretty faces some threats in these dire times. For example:

1) This is a commodity position. When income drops and people must find ways to decrease their spending, your job is in peril.

2) Market saturation: It seems the farther west you go, the better girls are at a) looking pretty, b) sitting for much longer than I ever could, or c) the rare combination of both, but better, like a trophy-wife-2.0.

Almost there...

3) Unsure government plan: with divorce rates at 50/50, you have to be proactive about securing your future. So, say it with me ladies, “If you even say the word prenup, I’m telling your golf buddies that you cheated on your taxes – and then cried about it.”

Leg Spreading included in job description

Whew! Not as easy as it looks.

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