Posted by: Alice Inc. | August 17, 2009

Say Yes to the Pants

Looks exhausting to me.

Looks exhausting to me.

Here at Idle Ivy, we put our pants on just like everybody else — as sparingly as possible. I have received countless e mails, ims, and — for those still mobile enough to venture from their parents’ couches — face-to-face reports from unemployed friends informing me of the increasing level of difficulty of undertaking the most taxing of idler activities — convincing themselves to put on pants in the morning.

According to Wikipedia and my own personal translation of the Hebrew Bible, the daily grind of pants wearing has unrelentingly pestered mankind since Adam fucked up, and the Metatron tried to give him verbal instruction on how to don some skinny jeans: “Ok, the right foot goes in the right… no, no… the other way. No. yes, turn them. Great, now they’re upside down. Whatever, just wear this leaf til you evolve.” Since then, both men and women have struggled with the demanding activity. Some cultures even become so frustrated with it that they attempted to rid themselves from their two-legged shackles. Thus freed from the constant concern of chafing-redness, these great minds were able to achieve Nirvana, serenity, and even a few Oscars.

Not bad for a belted miniskirt.

Not bad for a belted miniskirt.

Dali Pantsless

Dali Pantsless

However, after thorough investigation and a few bumps on the ol’ criminal record, I’ve discovered that pants-wearing, though detrimental to our mental and spiritual health, is actually crucial to our financial and professional development. Proof: if you have a lot of money, a great car, and a cool job, you also wear pants regularly.

Pants, Check

Pants, Check

probably not wearing pants.

Probably not wearing pants.

Cool pants, check

Cool pants, check

Unless you’re this guy. But you’re not, and, sadly, neither am I.

Although the task may seem daunting, this is proof putting on pants is the first step towards employment, and, with regular use, fortune and more fortune. Another bonus: regular pants usage actually increases the chance of removing them in the presence of someone else.

So, with my pending move to DC, Rob’s acceptance into grad school, and Mallory’s recent interviews, the spirit of pants wearing is at an all-time high here at the virtual space that is Idle Ivy. And in that productive spirit, I’ve decided to make the Ivy a little more constructive as well. The new, slacks-wearing Ivy will include reviews of job-search engines, best and worst employment advice, top-5 lists for the unemployed, and whatever else we damn well want to write. Of course, you can still look forward to our usual snark and cynicism, but now, we’ll balance it off with the semi-transparent go-getter attitude of a girl scout leader on day 5 of overnight camp.

So, step in, zip up, maybe make a mental note to find out if gym membership is more expensive than a bigger pair of jeans, and keep reading, fatass.

Not for interviews.

Not for interviews.


Responses

  1. a) i wore a dress to my interviews, but close enough
    b) i cant stop imagining what you googled to get that collection of images


Leave a Reply to malpants Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: